Well, by now everyone has realized that the “I hope to spend more time on the blog soon” comment did not do any good since it’s been way over a month since I last posted.  So now I’m here to add more random stuff that has been going on and some random things that have been going through my mind.

First I’ll start out with the long overdue comments on the Montana trip.  We had a fabulous time.  Met some wonderful, freedom-minded people who are walking the walk and actually DOING it.  I think that is absolutely amazing since way to many people talk about it but don’t actually do anything about it.  It was an amazing trip and we hope we can go back someday.  Now on my to do list is to get some pictures up.  You might see some by the end of the year *rolling eyes  *

I’m still a non-smoker.  It’s been 5 months now and while it is a lot better, there are a few times where my mind thinks it really wants one.  However anytime I get around someone who smokes, after one sniff I don’t want anymore.  I have a feeling that my mind may think that it wants a cig at times but if it really got what it wanted it would change tunes!  Overall I think I’ve done pretty well and now that I’ve been quit and don’t have that money going out (well, now it goes for gas instead of smokes), I won’t start back just because I couldn’t afford it.

Our garden has been doing pretty well this year.  We have a lot more planted than last year.  Some of it has done well and some of it hasn’t.  All of it has been a learning process as it has been in previous years.  Things that we have planted this year: corn, okra, crowder peas, potatoes, summer squash, winter squash, about 10 different types of tomatoes, onions, carrots, cucumbers, a crapload of peppers (habanero, cayenne, bell, pimento, sweet banana, hot banana, and others that will probably be a surprise when they are ripe), black beans, peas, 3 types of lettuce, and peanuts.  We’re getting a bunch of tomatoes right now, mainly the paste types, and these are being stewed and dehydrated.  We also have some herbs - curly parsley, purple basil, sweet basil, catnip, mint, rosemary, sage, thyme, and some others I don’t remember the names of right now.  The basil is still going strong.  The parsely did well but has died out with the heat of the summer.  The others haven’t done quite as well since they are in pots and I have not harvested them as much as I should.  I plan on getting out there this weekend to try and do some maintenance on the ones I have neglected.

I’ve been using my dehydrator a lot this summer.  I’ve done some stuff from our garden, but I’ve also been doing things that we’ve gotten from the local farmers market.  At the market, they will start to mark down items such as mushrooms and peppers.  I grab these cheap and dehydrate them.  I’ve also done celery, carrots, parsely, basil, onions, cucumber, squash, and tomatoes.  It’s nice cause I can get them in the dehydrator and let it run overnight.  Most stuff is ready in the morning to be put in jars for storage.  Not very work intensive and in this house this summer that is a good thing!

That’s going to be all for me tonight.  Hope everyone’s garden is doing well and you’re able to stay out of the heat!

I really should update this thing more often. There are many times when I think “oh, I should post this” later but then either I forget what it was. Or when “later” comes, the topic/issue just doesn’t seem as important anymore as it did when it first popped into my mind.

Anyway… here are a few updates to what is going on in Dareland (and no, that is not like the Never Land of Michael Jackson’s).

1. I have been a non-smoker since March 1st.  Most days I’m ok and don’t think about it, but then there are times where I want one really, really bad.  Hopefully that feeling will go away with time.
2. Our garden is almost in.  We expanded it to over twice the size this year.  I hope to have pictures to put up once it looks like more than a pile of dirt.
3. The thing about women being emotional is due to hormones is crap… I haven’t produced any estrogen or whatever for years and the last few months I have been a basket case!  I was just about in tears most of the day yesterday for no reason whatsoever.  I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I wish it would stop!
4. We leave for a two week trip to Montana/Wyoming next Wednesday.  I am thrilled beyond belief to be able to go.  Mr. D has never been and it’s been 20+ years since I have been in that area.  I have a feeling that I will not want to come home.
5. My mother thinks that we’re in a cult.  I don’t know what would be worse for her… for her to believe that or to know the truth in that we are not Christians.  Think I’ll let her stew on that one a while (just because I’m a mean daughter that way).
6. We’re almost done with our basement construction.  There are just a few finishing touches to do like baseboard and other trim, painting the doors, and then touching up the wall paint in all the rooms.  Although it is not much, it will probably be this time next year before it’s officially done since we don’t seem to have enough time for any of it…. especially now that it’s summer and the garden is going in.  I need to get pics up of this too.  I think the site I had them at before is now defunct so they need to be uploaded somewhere else.

Not fascinating stuff by any means, but there it is anyway.  I hope to pay more attention to the blog soon (amongst all the other things in the ’soon’ column of my to-do list!).  I hope everyone is doing well out there.

I’ve stopped smoking. Wow…I feel weird even typing that out. I stopped on 3/1 and now, a little over 3 weeks later, I finally can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Since mid-February when I started getting serious and trying to quit, I haven’t really mentioned it to many people. While I was “trying” to quit and in many ways wanted to quit, I still wanted them. Still wanted to have a sit outside and smoke after dinner. So even though I was trying, I was also expecting myself to fail. I had my last smoke on 2/29 and after a week of putting them down I was sick as a dog with a kidney stone. Since anything strong smelling that second week made me nauseous I was able to stay away from cigarettes with no problems - not to mention the fact that to get them I would have had to stop to buy them and being sick and not wanting to stop on the way home from work kept me out of the convenience stores.

After those two weeks, I just kept telling myself how stupid it would be if I picked one up - even thinking I could have just one was a stupid idea. So now I’m almost a month free and I’m thrilled.

One of the big reasons I wanted to do this is not only for my health, but when we move to the gulch I am hoping that we can work from home. If we’re tight on money, I do not need to have an expensive addiction that will be taking precious money away from things we need to do like build a house, planting the gardens, etc. I was thinking of buying a nice present for myself… like a cool 5 string bass But since my step-father is building me one this year I think I will just save the money I would have spent on smokes and put it towards the down payment on our land. Or maybe a nice firearm for myself since I haven’t found one that I like for full-time use yet. Hmmmm… that’s sounding better and better now that I think about it.

I want to thank GeekWithA.45 for his post on quitting. After reading that last fall, I went back and re-read it many times in the time between then and when I finally went to my doctor at the beginning of this year. I had never heard of Chantix until I read his post and it is the “righteous molecular voodoo of the very best sort.”

I have been in one pissy-ass mood lately. Actually it comes and goes. Today it feels like it is with me for the long haul. I figured that I might as well get on here and get some things aired out in hopes that it will help. These things, these unmentionables, are starting to drive me slowly insane.

You know the thoughts that cross your mind as your doing something or even just thinking quietly to yourself. You know…. the ones that come out of freaking no where to undermine your self confidence and self control. Those that make a normally confident person feel like the world can come crashing down at any second. See, you know what thoughts I’m talking about. I call these the unmentionables since they are the kinds of thoughts that you don’t want to think about or give any credence to. And if you voice them, that makes them more real or valid somehow. My mind has been full of these kind of thoughts lately and there doesn’t seem to be any reason for it. Actually that’s not completely truthful. There is a reason - well, at least a cause anyway - I’m scared.

Yep, that lovely word fear. I hate being scared. It undermines me in trying to accomplish my goals. It lets the shadows of doubt and uncertainty grow and become rooted where they do not deserve to be. It makes me become an absolute bitch to my family. It makes me not be my true self and that pisses me off. I have worked so hard through the last few years to let go of the fears that I carried with me as my constant companions for much of my life. It is disheartening when they crop back up and rear their ugly heads. I am so tired of so many things in my life being such a struggle.

Don’t get me wrong, there is much in my life that I am thankful for. Tops on that list is the 3 1/2 wonderful years with Mr. D. It just gets hard to deal with the same shit day after day with bills, the economy and the uncertainty of my 401k being a down payment for our gulch, and the crap with the house that sucks money like no tomorrow that I also have to sell in a couple of years. The little things by themselves are not unmanageable. It’s when all of them are put together when the load becomes too much and right now they are piling on like there is a free ride to the freak show.

That’s enough of my whining and there are many people who are worse off than me. Time to suck it up and move on.

Recently I had to order more checks for our main account since I was out. Many people just reorder from their bank, which in many cases, is not a big deal. In my case, the bank’s reorders were at least twice the price from other places and many times it was much more than twice the amount. Because of this, I began searching for other options. In my browsing I found Carousel Checks and their custom photo checks. Wow, two boxes of these were the same price as on box from my own bank. And in looking at their bright yellow example I saw something in my mind’s eye that I thought would look snazzy. Since their customer service will give you a pre-purchase proof - so you can see what your custom photo would look like before you buy - I decided to send them my idea. Below is what they came up with.

Might be a nice statement for someone. Who knows, it might even bring up the topic of freedom to strangers while in the checkout line. Or you might come across a local freedom lover that you would have not met otherwise. I’m probably exaggerating things a little, but I still think it’s cool.

Decided it was time to try a new theme.   Let me know what you think of it - I’m still trying to decide if I want to keep it or not.

found here…

Sorry to disappoint people but this is bogus: the four people and the couple of dozen supporters don’t represent their own families, let alone their clans, bands, the Oglala Sioux (one of the seven bands of the Lakota), or the entire Lakota Oyate (nation). (They may not represent themselves, depending on which personality is talking!) Russell Means loves to pull stunts like this, and apparently does not care (he is smart enough to know better!) that he is doing exactly the same thing that Red Cloud, Spotted Tail, and other “chiefs” did 130 years ago when they signed the very treaties he wants to repudiate: claiming to represent all the Lakota (or even all of the Seven Council Fires (the people usually called the Sioux, who call themselves “Allies” in the three dialects of Lakota/Nakota/Dakota)) when they did not, signing treaties obligating them to do something that virtually none of them had any intention of doing.

Of the twenty or so Lakota I’ve talked to since this “news” came out, not ONE has indicated any support or sympathy for Means’ grandstand act. It would indeed be nice if the Lakota (and a hundred other AmerInd nations – and a lot of the rest of us who aren’t enrolled in a tribe) COULD declare fresh independence from anyone else – but right now, it ain’t gonna happen – especially not with the millions a year those treaties are worth, and the billions of dollars the USG owes those tribes and the tribal members.

It was a nice thought while it lasted.  I know I read many places who reported the annoucement of the Lakota succession as a wonderful thing - as I did.  Maybe we’re so desperate for someone to take a stand we’re jumping before all the facts come out.

for the Lakota people.  They have announced the withdrawal of the Lakota nation from all U.S. Treaties.

Will it work?  Hell if I know, but I want to run around and scream Yippee!  Now, I’m all for Ron Paul, but a part of me really doesn’t believe that he will actually make it to the White House (I hope he does, but I don’t see it happening).  But the Lakota people… wow!  This has the potential to be either really huge with wide ranging consequences or a miserable failure.  I hope that it will be the former.

This is something that I should have finished and posted a month ago. I started it and then got busy with things and forgot about it. However it does go some with the my earlier post today so I’m putting it out here now…

Something has been on my mind most of the summer, but has been brought to a head in dealing with my brothers illness and death last month.

Many of us talk about freedom: what can we do, what we cannot, what new law gubberment has come up with now, the morons in D.C., NAIS, RealID, the lack of unbiased news from mainstream media, corrupt figures in power - be it political or religious, on and on and on ad nauseam. These topics seem to be the main focus of our lives and daily conversations. I will be the first to admit, that I fell into this endless loop myself. Other items that seem to consume some people such as general politics, IP discussions/debates, religions, purity posturing, and crap, crap, and more crap.

WTF are we waiting for? What do you personally want to be freer in your life? What is preventing you from doing that? What would make things more enriching for your family? TPTB will never tell you that it is ok to live your life as you see fit. Go ahead, hold your breath until they do. They don’t give a shit about anything except more power, more control, more minions to bully. Why wait for them to give you permission to do what you want to do? Oh, I know there are issues with money in some of the things that you want to do, but I would guess that most of the drawbacks or excuses that people use are just that - excuses.

I completely include myself in the collective “you” I mention. I am in the process of trying to live more free myself. There are small things that I can do and then I have the larger goals such as getting the gulch and all that. Even though I do not have the funds to go out and buy 100+ acres of beautiful mountain land right now, there are small steps that I can take to get me closer to that goal. Paying off debt, learning skills that I will need in the future, working on projects at home for extra income that may be a primary income when we move. As long as I keep moving and keep the ultimate goal in mind.

I refuse to allow anyone to scare me into being a good little sheep anymore. I plan to live the life I want — not someone else’s version of what I should do with my life.

I fully intended to write this up sooner while there were some things still fresh in my mind. But life happens… Busy with work, busy with playing music, busy with living. Under the circumstances, all good things. I wonder if I am keeping myself so busy to keep the thoughts of death off of my mind. I’m not sure the answer to that one yet.

Sometimes I feel bad. Bad that I have not felt the need to grieve over my brother’s death. At least not from the traditional viewpoint of loosing a loved one. I am mad at him since all of this could have been prevented (or at least possibly delayed). I grieve for my mom who has lost her oldest child and only son. I feel the loss of never getting to know my brother. But none of these have been all that upsetting in the typical sense of me trying to find release by crying. For that matter, I cried more for a co-worker who died (the day after A. did) than I did my own brother. How fucked up is that? He was 14 years older than me. He was in the Army by the time I was old enough to remember him and then never lived close by after that. I’m trying to reason it out that the lack of grieving is because I wasn’t that close with A. and that it is not because I’m such a cold hearted bitch. Both are reasonable assumptions in my case. But anyway…enough of my navel gazing.

One of the things that I found out when I was at the hospital the week I went to Louisiana is that I have more in common with my brother than I thought. I wish he felt up to talking more at the time so I could have found out more about him, but he didn’t. The impression I was left with is that he may have had a touch of anarchist in him. At the very least, some minarchist. I also saw that he was definitely not a racist. Being in the deep south and knowing the family we have in common, that is a feat to say the least. He would not tolerate racism around him which I’m sure got him in many a fight with his father (which was, and still is, a complete piece of shit). He did not have the patience for stupid people, laziness, or incompetence. He had a problem with authority also. That was evident long ago when he left the army as a better option than the brig — something about hitting a senior officer from what I understand.

I can wish all day long to have the opportunity to know my brother as the man was, but it will never happen. However I have learned something from his death. Don’t take people for granted. If there is someone that you want to know more about - do it. If there is something that you want to take the time to do - do it. Enjoy life. It is too precious to waste and you may find that it is shorter than you wanted it to be when the time comes.

In a way I’m relieved. Relieved that A. is not suffering any more. My mom called me this morning to let me know that A. had died this morning and that it was peaceful.

When I walked outside here in NC, it is an absolutely beautiful day. The sky is one of the most vibrant blues that I have seen in a long time. While the leaves are just barely beginning to change, it feels like fall. I hope that it is just as beautiful wherever A. is now.

I love you, “little brother”. I hope that our paths will cross again someday.

Last week, my brother A. was moved to Tulane Medical Center to get his first chemo treatment. Apparently they did more tests when he arrived and have found out more information.

As of now, the family has been told that A. has liver cancer which has spread to his stomach. He has Hepatitis B and C, cirrhosis of the liver, and the leukemia. Tumors have been found all over his body. He has been having to continually get units of blood since his body is not making it for him. I spoke with my mom this morning (she had went back down there Sunday morning) and they are taking him off of everything except for the pain meds. They are not going to do chemo since it would do more damage than good at this point. Without receiving the units of blood, the doctors do not expect him to last a week. They said that if they continued giving him blood, he might would last a month, but it would just be prolonging the inevitable.

So now the patience is patience for him to die. I just had a feeling when I saw him a few weeks ago. I wanted to hope for the best, but my heart knew that this hit him too fast for anything to be done about it.

I’m heartbroken. For A. who will be 47 this Thursday and is dying way too young. For his wife who is loosing the man she loves. For my mom who is loosing her first child. And for me who has squandered the opportunity to get to know my brother for the man that he was.

Now I will never have that chance.

I ended up flying home on Saturday the 8th. I needed to get back to work and I wasn’t doing much good at the hospital. My mom and sister ended up staying until last Friday, the 14th.

We don’t know much more than we did 2 weeks ago. They ended up taking another bone biopsy last Thursday and the doctor told them last night that they were going to send him to Tulane Medical Center in New Orleans (about 45 min from where he lives) to start his chemo treatment. We do not know how often or aggressively he will have to be treated. Do not know if he will be coming back to the local hospital. But we do have a name for this awful thing now - Acute Myeloid Leukemia

This is a good news/bad news type of thing. The good news is that many times, if caught early enough, AML is treatable. Bad news - we do not know if A.’s was caught early enough. And still we are having to be patient…

Soon, I hope to post more about my brother - at least what I know of him. I plan on also mailing it to him. The short time I was in the hospital, I realized that we were more alike than I ever imagined. But lots of other things are going on the next few days so that may have to wait until next week - when my mind is strong enough to deal with it.

Oh, one last note - I want to thank everyone who has sent their well wishes, prayers, good vibes, etc. Whether it was a comment posted here, an email, a private message or post on the forums I am on, or even if you just thought it and didn’t say anything to me. Thank you very much. Please keep it up. And if your blood type is O negative, please consider giving blood. There is a massive shortage and A. is having to get multiple units of O neg a week since his body is not making it for him. I am not a match or I would give him all that I have…

Last week, my mom let me know that my brother, A.,  was in the hospital.  We ended up driving all night this past Monday to get to Louisiana Tuesday morning and have been here since.

Right now we don’t know any more than when we got here.  They are pretty positive that he has a type of bone cancer, but are still waiting on tests to come in to tell them exactly what kind.  They have to know what kind before they start chemo or to even tell us what chance he has.

Patience a virtue?  It would have to be to deal with this shit.  Just give him an answer already.  A once virile, hard-working man has been reduced to just about nothing.  He cannot walk on his own and is in immense pain.  All of this in just a few weeks.

I have this gut feeling that this is going to be a fast moving cancer and will either not be able to be treated or a very slim chance of the treatment doing any good.  Maybe tomorrow they will know something more.

“But it feels like the liberty movement is so very white and so in need of spreading to other races…” ~Mr. Bill

Mr. Dare and I were talking about this subject earlier this year. It has been rumbling around in my mind even more ever since I saw the line from Mr. Bill quoted above. Why does it seem that so few people from other races are in the freedom and/or self-sufficiency arena? Freedom is not just for the white folks. Hell, I don’t want to live by just white people. I want to live in a community of various races and ethnic backgrounds. There is so much that other cultures have to offer and I think it would be an asset to be a part of that.

We (the Mr. D and I) talk to everyone we can about freedom and self-sufficiency - we do not look at the color of their skin or what country they or their parents were born in. Will we “convert” many? Probably not, but even if they only start growing their own veggies or maybe start buying their stuff from a local farmer who doesn’t use all the pesticides and chemicals, it is a start.

But I’m wondering what other people’s experience has been when it comes to non-whites in the freedom/self-sufficiency lifestyle.  How can the message be spread to include more races and not seem exclusive to just whites?  Anyone out there have ideas?